I'm trying to do the best that I can with what it is I have

One thing I've been thinking about is different kinds of like and love. I like or love certain songs, but I will love "Umi Says" by Mos Def always on a deeper, more personal level than other music. Some music is wonderful and makes you feel the emotions behind the lyrics or notes. But "Umi Says" feels the emotions behind me. It perfectly describes what I've felt about "Life" since March 2001-- namely, that tomorrow is not promised, and my strongest desires are for freedom and a quiet life. It's the quiet life part that I identify with the most. I am a deeply ambitious person, but my ambition is an even-keeled existence. I don't know many people who want that sort of thing in these American Idol-and-iPhone days.

I was telling a friend the other day that we should never want to be "friends" with exes. It's two different kinds of love. If you love someone as a friend, then you support them in their desires. But when you are someone's desire, or if that person is yours, you demand that the best of him, and his follies will hurt you more personally. Our attitudes towards our lovers do not make for good friendship.

Here's another thing about love. I used to utterly detest fish, mushrooms, onions and radishes. And now I love all of those. I prepare most of my food at home these days, and I am believing more a more in this basic communion of sustenance. Even when I am feeding no one but myself, I find I think more about others, like wondering what my friends are eating, if le boy is eating right, or if my dad will stop eating so much meat.

I love the empty gratification of tv, but I've been forcing myself to finish a batch of library books which cannot be renewed, and must be returned next week. Maybe it's the reading material (Las Locas, The Master, Things Fall Apart) but I've been more moody, more thoughtful, and more philosophical since I've stopped watching tv in the evenings. Tonight, I actually flipped through the channels for 2 hours, and then I felt restlessly compelled to write this post. I think I like tv, but it feels crowded and lonely to me. I love books, and reading makes me feel isolated and quietly fulfilled.